Tip #106: Don't say bad things about people's exs

After a friend goes through a breakup, it's often tempting to malign his/her ex. There are two solid reasons to resist.

1. Your friend might feel compelled to defend his ex. The last thing you want to do with someone who was just in a breakup is to put him on his ex's side.

2. If they get back together, he'll remember what you said and may hold it against you.

Tip #105: Make email subject lines meaningful

The point of the subject line is to let people know what's in the message. If you write something short, descriptive, and specific for a subject, you give the recipient a tool to manage her time both triaging email and searching for it later.

Tip #104: If you're making a web site, don't have it require flash

People are going to your web site for a reason. Assuming you're not youtube, they probably aren't going there to watch video. Not all devices people will use to look at your site have Flash, and if someone wants to know your address or hours but can't find it because she is using an iPhone, you've just defeated the primary purpose of putting something on the web in the first place.

Tip #103: Try to schedule meetings in blocks

If you schedule a block of meetings, you can leave a block of free time to really get into other work. A checkerboard of meetings and free time doesn't give you enough unbroken time to engage properly in serious projects.

Tip #102: Don't go on Schrödinger's Date

If you want to ask someone out on a date, make sure it's really clear that it's a date so you don't accidentally end up on a Schrödinger's Date. As awkward and forced as it can seem, using the word "date" in the invitation is a pretty clear way to make sure of this.

Rejection never feels good. But if you're going to be rejected, the sooner the better. And getting rejected asking someone on a second date when that person didn't think you even had a first date is far worse.

Anthony Clark Cary's post to Urban Dictionary provided the inspiration for this post.

Tip #101: Remember to go grocery shopping before stores are closed for holidays

Whether or not you're celebrating a holiday, the stores will close. Go shopping ahead of time so you have the food you need on the day in question.

Tip #100: You can ask for advice

I started on a much broader post about the validity of asking other people for help, but I realized that was another can of worms entirely. So I'll make it really simple: How to Succeed at Everything is now open for requests. I wanted to post a graphic here of Lucy's advice stand from Peanuts but realized that my desire to do so was far outweighed by my desire not to figure out the copyright/fair use issues surrounding doing so, so I just gave up. (Bonus tip: be willing to give up if something isn't worth your time.)

If you have something you think I should write about, send a message to michael@howtosucceedateverything.com. I promise to read every message but can't guarantee a response. If you have a tip you think I should put up and you'd like credit, let me know how your name should be listed and if you'd like a link to your site.

Two other site announcements.
1. Take a look over at the new tag cloud on the right. I think it needs some more polish, and I'd be happy to hear your opinions either by email or in the comments below.
2. As the email address above implies, I've got the domain name up and running. You can find this site now at howtosucceedateverything.com.

Tip #99: When you feel better, take it easy for one more day

This week's theme: things to do when you're sick.

After several days on the mend, you might feel great just because you're back at three quarters of full strength. Don't spoil that by charging out into the fray when you haven't finished recovering. When you feel better, spend one more day taking it easy.

Tip #98: If your cough isn't productive enough, take an expectorant

This week's theme: things to do when you're sick.

Productive coughs may be gross, but unproductive ones are worse. You keep coughing because there's phlegm in your chest, but it won't come out. If you work at it, you can strain your diaphragm or crack a rib. An expectorant will loosen up the phlegm and let your cough do its job.

Tip #97: When you're congested, use a neti pot

This week's theme: things to do when you're sick.

If you aren't familiar, a neti pot is a little ceramic device you fill with warm saline water to irrigate your nasal passages. It sounds awful, but if you're congested it can be excellent. It's particularly good if you have allergies, since you're rinsing out any allergens that might be up there.

Tip #96: Eat spicy food when you're sick

This week's theme: things to do when you're sick. Three guesses what inspired this one.

If it's spicy enough, you'll be able to taste it even though you're congested. It can also help clear your sinuses.

Note: I realized that I started my top five a little early and didn't want to cheat on the numbers, so this week will actually have tips 96-100.

100 Rules

When I started this blog, I didn't have the firmest idea of where I was going with it. A lot of the rules I ended up following for it grew organically along the way.

Initially I had so many ideas, I was afraid I'd flood them all out in a week and then have no content any more. A lot of the fun for me is seeing the comments from readers, and I didn't think I'd get much of that on a stagnant blog with fifty posts in one week and then three a month from then on out. At first I wrote out the tips but didn't post them and then posted and published them manually. This was irregular, and I'd get frustrated that I forgot to post things and went too long between posts. Then I figured out that you can set a post to autopublish later, and we were set. Sometimes I'm scrambling to get a post written the night before, but often I have them in the pipeline days or weeks ahead of time.

Based on Google Analytics, people read a lot more of this during the business week than on the weekends. That made me decide to only post on business days. Well, except for that one day when I forgot a holiday was coming and didn't want to renumber everything so I just left it; so if you only read the latest post each business day, there might be an old one waiting for you there.

It might not be obvious, but I've worked really hard to avoid moralizing. While many of these rules could be considered to make you a better person, every one has a pragmatic, non-altruistic edge to it. You shouldn't use childish nicknames for people not because it's mean but because it makes you look immature and it really weakens your point. Anyone who likes a candidate for office is unlikely to listen to arguments that make fun of that candidate's name but may -- not likely, but may -- listen to polite, respectful, logical arguments. You should criticize people in private because they're far more likely to take it constructively there than in public, and presumably you're criticizing that person because you hope for improvement. I'm interested in how well this came across and in whether people would like moralizing in the future.

There are a number of rules I follow but haven't posted because I haven't been able to come up with a concise, declarative statement to headline it. I tend to be too wordy, and writing as simply as this blog demands has been an interesting, sometimes frustrating, and ultimately useful challenge.

Going forward, I'm looking at what new directions I can go with this. I bought a domain name for the site, but I failed at my first attempt to get it set up with Blogspot and haven't taken the time to get it working. I'd like to make that happen. There are lots of other bloggers out there writing cool, interesting things. I'd like to get in the habit of mining some of them for tips and post links. I'm not sure how often is the right frequency for that and whether it should be on a schedule. I'd love to answer questions from readers, but I'd need people to actually ask me some. If I posted an email address where you could send questions or ideas, would you do so?

All in all, it's been a fun six months. I'm going to take the week off to figure out next steps, and How to Succeed at Everything will be back on Monday, November 15. Thanks for reading.

Tip #54: If you think she wants to kiss you, she does and you should

Leading up to the 100th tip on this site, I'm rerunning my top five favorites from the first one hundred.

This doesn't apply to the really pushy, aggressive, overly confident guys who think every woman wants them. This is for the other 80% of us whose confidence somehow flies out the window when romance is involved.

Guys aren't that great at picking up on signals. If enough of one has made it through that you think she probably wants you to kiss her, there isn't any "probably" about it. She does. Do it. Stop thinking, right this second, and kiss her now.

Tip #24: Tell your partner if you think about breaking up

Leading up to the 100th tip on this site, I'm rerunning my top five favorites from the first one hundred.

There's a pattern some people fall into. It goes like this:

1. Some things aren't great in your relationship. You get sad about it.
2. You think about breaking up.
3. Thinking about breaking up makes you sad. You realize you don't want to end the relationship and that you're happier in it than out.
4. You decide not to break up.
5. Deciding not to break up makes you feel better. Not only are you no longer sad about the relationship ending, you feel like you've asserted control. Sure, things aren't great, but it's your decision to stay in the relationship. You feel in control.
6. Time passes. Because nothing actually got better in the relationship, return to step 1.

This cycle repeats itself for a while. Each time through it's a bit less effective. You think longer about breaking up, and deciding not to is a harder decision. It takes less time before you start over again.

Eventually you hit a point where it isn't worth it any more, and you decide to tell your partner. At this point, it may well be too late for the relationship. You've been considering ending it for months and have already used up a number of second chances without input from your partner.

If you realize you've entered this cycle, tell your partner the first time. Explain that you don't want to break up but that the problems in the relationship were enough to make you consider doing so. It'll be more work than just keeping quiet, but it's also significantly more likely to keep the relationship going in the long run, since you'll have the opportunity to address and fix the problems in it.

A key part of this is not just saying "I have a problem" but rather "I have a problem and it made me consider breaking up." You need to let your partner know how serious it is.

Tip #77: Don't ask people "What do you do?"

Leading up to the 100th tip on this site, I'm rerunning my top five favorites from the first one hundred.

This is a key part of small talk, but it doesn't have to be.

People spend a lot of time at work. That whole time they are thinking about it. Many of the conversations they have there are about work. And if they see friends from work outside work, they may talk about it a bunch when they aren't there.

For some people, the last thing they want to do is talk more about work. Others will bore you to tears if you're foolish enough to ask.

When you meet someone new, ask a more interesting question:
* What do you like to do on the weekends?
* Which is better: The power of flight or the power of invisibility?
* What's something fun you did recently?
* Tell me something cool about you.

If someone wants to tell you about her job, she will do so. But leave the option for her not to.

Tip #3: Never use email in tense situations

Leading up to the 100th tip on this site, I'm rerunning my top five favorites from the first one hundred.

Subconsciously, we assume that people will read our writing in the tone of voice we would have spoken it.  This couldn't be much farther from the truth.  Often a reader will apply a tone to your writing based on his assumptions about what you're saying, his past interactions with you, his baggage about the topic at hand, and his mood at the time. 

When you're talking to someone, you can read his expression.  If he's upset by something you say, you can react by changing your message or just stopping to ask what's wrong. 

People will reread email that upset them over and over, stewing on it and using it to make themselves upset.  While someone can mentally replay an unpleasant conversation, it decays over time.  Email is forever.

Based on all that, I have two rules:

1. If you have something to say that someone might not like, don't use email.  Meet the person in person or make a phone call. 

2. If you are emailing about something and you realize someone is upset, immediately stop.  Don't send another email.  Call right away and sort it out.  In plenty of cases, five minutes of talking will smooth over the problem, while an hour spent writing could make it far worse. 

Tip #29: You're not going to want to do it later either

Leading up to the 100th tip on this site, I'm rerunning my top five favorites from the first one hundred.

Every single time you encounter a basic task you don't want to do, say to yourself "I'm not going to want to do it later either."

There are occasional exceptions. You might be legitimately tired or rushing out the door. But most of the time, it isn't that you don't want to do whatever it is now. You just don't want to do it at all. You may as well get it out of the way.

I say this out loud to myself several times a day.